The Sobriety Clause

                       

 With Yule only ten days away (Christmas 13 days away) life can get pretty hectic and stressful. Many partake in holiday parties, from the office to the neighbors'. This is the time of year that indulgence can go too far. Knowing your limit is tough in times of distress. As a ex alcoholic I may know a few things about this sort of demon. Many of my family who will read this do not know of my struggles with sobriety. The holidays are just harder for me. With my father dying 3 days before Christmas, my son not living with me, and my mother ignoring she has a daughter that needs her the most at this time of year, and a younger brother that has no idea what family really means, things can get a bit unbearable.

My star in the tree says Believe, cause all you have to do
is believe in yourself to accomplish any thing your
heart desires.

          I find my self battling depression, withdrawing from friends and activities I once enjoyed. I used to turn to a bottle and often times self destructive behaviors. It started when I was really young, about 13 years old.  I always made friends much older than me. I just didn't get along with the immature girls in my grade. I made friends that were in high school when I was in middle school. I had one friend who I shall call Luna. Luna was 15 when I was 12 . She had lots of guy friends and knew all about the world of sex. Luna was rail thin with big boobs and a infectious laugh. She always knew what to say when a confusing road block occurred. She was mature and beautiful. I hoped to learn from her about womanly wiles. I spent many a nights with her. Drinking and partying with boys. We stayed up late and smoked the green, giggling into the early morning hours. 

     I don't remember my first drink to say the least but I do remember my first bottle. It was Wisconsin Everclear. As any Minnesotan knows, that is 200 proof liquor. I took my first swig and just about died coughing on the burning acid. We drank about half that bottle in no time at all. Before I knew it we were smashed. At least I didn't puke, although it would have been a great idea at the time. My blood could have killed you I am sure. After that I would go just about every weekend to her place and drink it up. Just get schwasted all weekend long. One night Luna had a different idea she wanted to share with me. She wanted to smoke with me. 

        

                                    

      I remember the first time Luna pulled out the green. It was at least an ounce or more. She spread it out on a tray and began to pick out the "beaners". I was horrified and scared. I had never smoked green, I had only smoked cigarettes at this point. Luna knowing I was nervous said the only thing that would change my mind even though it was a lie, "I asked your mom and she said as long as you stay here, don't go any where, she has no problem with it." (I was young, stupid and desperate to be closer to my father. According to my mother, since I clearly can't ask him my self, my very own father was a pot head. Smoked it on the regular.) That was all I had needed to hear from Luna to coerce  me to hit the pipe with her. She showed me once and my path began to go up in smoke. I was happier than I had been in years. I didn't care that my family was a horror story any more. It was if the huge cinder block had been lifted off my chest. This was nothing like drinking!! I was in Summerland to say the least. 

      Middle school ended and I was thrust-ed in to the bowels of hell called high school. I had stopped the destructive behaviors for some time at this point. Eight grade turned out to be a breeze and Luna had moved on from me. Things were going well until I met The Bet. That is what I shall call him for this blog's purpose. The Bet was a guy I had met on the bus to the other campus for school. He was super cute and funny. He was having a conversation with his buddy when my ears picked out the word weed, my body began to tingle and I just had to talk to him. We became fast friends over some thing so green. I also knew his girlfriend.... lets call her sore loser..... I became very close to the both of them. Each telling me their infidelities on the other. Sore Loser and I would spend the night at each other's houses. She was fascinated by my Wiccan religion. She borrowed my books and highlighted her favorite spells. She was a gymnast so you can guess why she was chased by boys and constantly cheating on The Bet. She got butthurt one day about how cocky I was. She made a bet with me that I couldn't get any guy I wanted in the whole school. I told her she was on. I proceeded to unveil her lies to The Bet. Hey, all is fair in love and war right? Once he had confirmed what I had told him, he set his sights on me. We started dating immediately. I had won the bet Sore Loser had made with me. The Bet and I started smoking every day together. The Bet had set me on a course for what the next two years was going to be like. 

        My junior year I went sober. I still drank but I quit smoking the green. I didn't do it for me though. I did it for my boyfriend, my now husband. He asked to quit with him and had me smash my bowl. I quit for almost the whole school year. I drank quite a bit back then for a minor. Spring break came and I went hog wild. My mom didn't care as long as I drank at home where she could intervene if ever something went wrong. I had a week long party just being wasted off my ass. It was after spring break that I started smoking again. By then I was seeing my son's father. He made me quit when I got pregnant. I didn't do shit when I was pregnant with my son. I did that for me and my son. No one else. 

         After my son was born I smoked for all of a week. Just couldn't do it. I began to party with a new crowd after my senior year of high school. Went out every weekend to drink until I couldn't see straight. Many who know me know that I started smoking again with this crowd. This went on for about 2 more years. Then I met a new demon after my son's father took custody. Cocaine. I wasn't much for snorting but I loved to smoke it. That only lasted about two months. In those two months I smoked my self stupid and drank way too much. I lost who I was. I had forgotten about my self. 

     My husband came back in to the picture and helped me get sober. I may drink still but not more than a couple of glasses of wine in a week. I didn't drink for so long that I just can't handle liquor the way I used to. I can barely swallow it now. I don't like the way it makes my stomach knot up, the heartburn unbearable, and my head hurt. Getting sober was the best thing I have ever done for myself. Once in while is good for me. I can handle that. I don't self destruct any more. I don't participate in bad behaviors. I am still human just like you. I have a clear mind when I have only a couple of drinks. I can now go to a bar and not get shit faced like I used to. I can have a girls night and not spend hours fighting to stand. I found who I really was. I like her. I like who I am now. I have always liked my sober self. I wanted to share this with all of you so that you could see that getting self control is the best thing you can do for yourself. I did it for me and my son. I did it for my sanity.

 I still have my opinions though. I still think that marijuana should be legal and that we should tax the hell out of it. Alcohol was my biggest problem. Alcohol was what led me to do stupid shit. I never did any thing stupid when I was high, I did all my worst shit when I was drunk. I made all my bad choices drunk. Any one who knows me knows that I wasn't a bad person back then, just some one who really needed to find who she really was. Even though I took the hard path, I learned more in my short years than I learned in school. I found the Sobriety Clause. Every thing is good in moderation. Too much of any thing can cause one one to fall off the proverbial horse. 

The holidays are still hard but now that I have a check and balance system to put my self through, I can get through anything. With the friends I have made, they make it easier for me to stay on track with my life. Thank you to all of you for being there for me. And to you, my reader, Thank you for reading. I can only hope that you take what you need from here and use it for yourself. Happy holidays every one!!!

And Remember buzzed driving is drunk driving. Get a ride home if you have been drinking. Lots of bars now provide a ride home. Call your local bars and clubs for details. 

Blessed be and Goddess light.

Sabrina