Voiceless on Yule

Recently I have come down with strep, and now a cough to accompany it. I have since lost my voice completely. I haven't been this sick in almost a year. I am sure it is a plethora of many factors that have got me to this exact point. Stress is always a huge factor. When I get stressed out with no way to let it out, I tend to get sick. Not just a cough or a sniffle, but full blown can't get out of bed, couldn't sleep, too much coughing, can't breathe kind of sick. Yes, I drink lots of tea and water. I am taking about ten different vitamins a day. So how am I so sick? 
Being a naturalist it is hard for me to go to the doctor, and even if I absolutely have to, I have to wait until I get paid or my husband does. In that time that I have to wait, I get significantly sicker. With asthma, my immune system is already weak no matter how many vitamins I take. All it takes is one person to sneeze, cough, and/or sniffle around me and I get sick. Let's go back to the stress of the matter. I get stressed very easily due to my ginormous heart (not enlarged mind you, just generous). My mother always said that I kill my self to help others. She's right. I worry about every one else before my self. Don't know why, I just have always been this way. I go out of my way to help the people closest to me when ever they need me. Today I should have been resting but my younger brother told me last night that he hasn't had any food in his house for weeks. I quickly made him dinner and demanded him to look up the closest food shelf opening times. I promptly got out of bed today, took my vitamins, drank a whole bottle of water with my antibiotics, and took him to the food shelf. I stopped at my in laws to drop off their computer that our friend fixed for them. My mother in law first scolded me for being out of bed and then gave me a winning scratch off for twenty dollars for my brother. I was filled with emotion that I just can't really describe to you. My little brother was almost in tears. He was blown away by her generosity. I felt a great pride for my mother in law. I took my brother to the food shelf and then to the grocery store to get him meat. He kept thanking me over and over again. I was just relieved he wasn't going to starve on my watch. He also kept scolding me for being out of bed when I should be resting. I didn't care. I just wanted him to have food in his house so he wouldn't starve. All I could think about was making sure I did the right thing for my family. That is what drives my husband nuts. He wishes I would take care of my self first. I just can't do that. It just isn't who I am. So I guess I will always get sick cause I just can't stop my self from doing what is right. My family is more important to me than the sun is. With out them I would have nothing to keep safe. Nothing to hold dear. Nothing to live for. I will continue to "kill my self" for my family every day until I take my last breath. Nothing will change that. When I am done at the end of the day, I focus on me. I have been resting at home since I dropped my brother off at his place. I am trying to get better. I will be staying home tomorrow. I actually have a girlfriend coming over to make me soup and cookies. She plans to chase my sickness away with love and food.

I think I am one of the most blessed women in the whole world. This Yule I am most thankful for the people who support me no matter how crazy I get. I may not have my voice today, but my heart has certainly been heard. 


Blessed be,
 Sabrina

The Sobriety Clause

                       

 With Yule only ten days away (Christmas 13 days away) life can get pretty hectic and stressful. Many partake in holiday parties, from the office to the neighbors'. This is the time of year that indulgence can go too far. Knowing your limit is tough in times of distress. As a ex alcoholic I may know a few things about this sort of demon. Many of my family who will read this do not know of my struggles with sobriety. The holidays are just harder for me. With my father dying 3 days before Christmas, my son not living with me, and my mother ignoring she has a daughter that needs her the most at this time of year, and a younger brother that has no idea what family really means, things can get a bit unbearable.

My star in the tree says Believe, cause all you have to do
is believe in yourself to accomplish any thing your
heart desires.

          I find my self battling depression, withdrawing from friends and activities I once enjoyed. I used to turn to a bottle and often times self destructive behaviors. It started when I was really young, about 13 years old.  I always made friends much older than me. I just didn't get along with the immature girls in my grade. I made friends that were in high school when I was in middle school. I had one friend who I shall call Luna. Luna was 15 when I was 12 . She had lots of guy friends and knew all about the world of sex. Luna was rail thin with big boobs and a infectious laugh. She always knew what to say when a confusing road block occurred. She was mature and beautiful. I hoped to learn from her about womanly wiles. I spent many a nights with her. Drinking and partying with boys. We stayed up late and smoked the green, giggling into the early morning hours. 

     I don't remember my first drink to say the least but I do remember my first bottle. It was Wisconsin Everclear. As any Minnesotan knows, that is 200 proof liquor. I took my first swig and just about died coughing on the burning acid. We drank about half that bottle in no time at all. Before I knew it we were smashed. At least I didn't puke, although it would have been a great idea at the time. My blood could have killed you I am sure. After that I would go just about every weekend to her place and drink it up. Just get schwasted all weekend long. One night Luna had a different idea she wanted to share with me. She wanted to smoke with me. 

        

                                    

      I remember the first time Luna pulled out the green. It was at least an ounce or more. She spread it out on a tray and began to pick out the "beaners". I was horrified and scared. I had never smoked green, I had only smoked cigarettes at this point. Luna knowing I was nervous said the only thing that would change my mind even though it was a lie, "I asked your mom and she said as long as you stay here, don't go any where, she has no problem with it." (I was young, stupid and desperate to be closer to my father. According to my mother, since I clearly can't ask him my self, my very own father was a pot head. Smoked it on the regular.) That was all I had needed to hear from Luna to coerce  me to hit the pipe with her. She showed me once and my path began to go up in smoke. I was happier than I had been in years. I didn't care that my family was a horror story any more. It was if the huge cinder block had been lifted off my chest. This was nothing like drinking!! I was in Summerland to say the least. 

      Middle school ended and I was thrust-ed in to the bowels of hell called high school. I had stopped the destructive behaviors for some time at this point. Eight grade turned out to be a breeze and Luna had moved on from me. Things were going well until I met The Bet. That is what I shall call him for this blog's purpose. The Bet was a guy I had met on the bus to the other campus for school. He was super cute and funny. He was having a conversation with his buddy when my ears picked out the word weed, my body began to tingle and I just had to talk to him. We became fast friends over some thing so green. I also knew his girlfriend.... lets call her sore loser..... I became very close to the both of them. Each telling me their infidelities on the other. Sore Loser and I would spend the night at each other's houses. She was fascinated by my Wiccan religion. She borrowed my books and highlighted her favorite spells. She was a gymnast so you can guess why she was chased by boys and constantly cheating on The Bet. She got butthurt one day about how cocky I was. She made a bet with me that I couldn't get any guy I wanted in the whole school. I told her she was on. I proceeded to unveil her lies to The Bet. Hey, all is fair in love and war right? Once he had confirmed what I had told him, he set his sights on me. We started dating immediately. I had won the bet Sore Loser had made with me. The Bet and I started smoking every day together. The Bet had set me on a course for what the next two years was going to be like. 

        My junior year I went sober. I still drank but I quit smoking the green. I didn't do it for me though. I did it for my boyfriend, my now husband. He asked to quit with him and had me smash my bowl. I quit for almost the whole school year. I drank quite a bit back then for a minor. Spring break came and I went hog wild. My mom didn't care as long as I drank at home where she could intervene if ever something went wrong. I had a week long party just being wasted off my ass. It was after spring break that I started smoking again. By then I was seeing my son's father. He made me quit when I got pregnant. I didn't do shit when I was pregnant with my son. I did that for me and my son. No one else. 

         After my son was born I smoked for all of a week. Just couldn't do it. I began to party with a new crowd after my senior year of high school. Went out every weekend to drink until I couldn't see straight. Many who know me know that I started smoking again with this crowd. This went on for about 2 more years. Then I met a new demon after my son's father took custody. Cocaine. I wasn't much for snorting but I loved to smoke it. That only lasted about two months. In those two months I smoked my self stupid and drank way too much. I lost who I was. I had forgotten about my self. 

     My husband came back in to the picture and helped me get sober. I may drink still but not more than a couple of glasses of wine in a week. I didn't drink for so long that I just can't handle liquor the way I used to. I can barely swallow it now. I don't like the way it makes my stomach knot up, the heartburn unbearable, and my head hurt. Getting sober was the best thing I have ever done for myself. Once in while is good for me. I can handle that. I don't self destruct any more. I don't participate in bad behaviors. I am still human just like you. I have a clear mind when I have only a couple of drinks. I can now go to a bar and not get shit faced like I used to. I can have a girls night and not spend hours fighting to stand. I found who I really was. I like her. I like who I am now. I have always liked my sober self. I wanted to share this with all of you so that you could see that getting self control is the best thing you can do for yourself. I did it for me and my son. I did it for my sanity.

 I still have my opinions though. I still think that marijuana should be legal and that we should tax the hell out of it. Alcohol was my biggest problem. Alcohol was what led me to do stupid shit. I never did any thing stupid when I was high, I did all my worst shit when I was drunk. I made all my bad choices drunk. Any one who knows me knows that I wasn't a bad person back then, just some one who really needed to find who she really was. Even though I took the hard path, I learned more in my short years than I learned in school. I found the Sobriety Clause. Every thing is good in moderation. Too much of any thing can cause one one to fall off the proverbial horse. 

The holidays are still hard but now that I have a check and balance system to put my self through, I can get through anything. With the friends I have made, they make it easier for me to stay on track with my life. Thank you to all of you for being there for me. And to you, my reader, Thank you for reading. I can only hope that you take what you need from here and use it for yourself. Happy holidays every one!!!

And Remember buzzed driving is drunk driving. Get a ride home if you have been drinking. Lots of bars now provide a ride home. Call your local bars and clubs for details. 

Blessed be and Goddess light.

Sabrina

The Drunken Newt

In the last week we have let a buddy stay at our place to keep him out of the cold.  Regret set in pretty quickly when the drunken newt drank my husband's last beer, stole cigarettes that didn't belong to him, and lost the house keys. I knew this drunken newt had a drinking problem, but I had no idea it was this bad. He invited us out Saturday night to come out, and have a couple drinks with him. He was so trashed before we even got there. He had already downed a 24 pack before he got to the bar. I was floored to see him so trashed. We got every one back to our place just so the drunken newt wouldn't get any more wasted than he already was. Mutual friends of our's were going to go to another bar in St. Paul. My husband and I both agreed that wasn't the best idea for the drunken newt. So we convinced them to come hang out at our place. Every thing was ok until the drunken newt kept trying to leave, as he was seven sheets to the wind, he would have gotten arrested for public drunkenness. We pleaded, and tried to make him stay. He was determined to leave. So I gave up and handed him the house keys, and said to him " I can't make you stay, you are a grown ass man, but if you get arrested we are not bailing your ass out of jail. We simply can't afford it." He kept getting up, and walking to the door, but didn't leave. In that time frame he some how lost the house keys!!!! My husband is livid at this point. I am doing my best to keep every one calm. Being the person I am I convince him to sit down, and chill. We would look for the keys in the morning. My husband took our friends home. It was right after they left that the drunken newt decided to have a drunken hate spell..... He wanted to kill himself (good goddess, help me now). I was at a loss for words for only a second until my Leo anger hit me full force. I began to get in his face, and tell him to shut his mouth. At this point my eyes were burning with tears, and started to shake him. I was livid he would ever say something so stupid. I got him to calm down. My anger shut his ass up. My husband returned home, and proceeded to help me tell the drunken newt that he needed some sleep. We would deal with it more in the morning. 
    Morning came, and well..... This is how it all went down. We turned the house upside down looking for the keys, cleaned up any mess from the night before, and the drunken newt left to pick up his car from our mutual friends house. He left after downing a beer, and taking two with him. He came back two hours later drunk, high, and pissed off. He had crashed his car!!!!! At this point my husband and I had no clue what to really think about our drunken newt besides the obvious points. The drunken newt then passed out on our living room floor snoring to his heart's content. We just couldn't understand how some one could just keep drowning themselves in liquor so contently, and blame the world for his problems. Being of logical and sound mind, my husband and I decided to not to help him fix the tire. We didn't want the drunken newt to leave drunk off his little newt ass. The rest of the night went ok until this morning. 
I woke up to take my husband to work as usual to find the plasma screen still on! Every one knows that plasma screens can't be left on for hours at a time, it will melt the insides! My husband's first words this morning was "I am going to kick him in the teeth!" What a wonderful way to start my morning. My husband and I discussed our drunken newt on the way to work. We have come to the conclusion that we have to make him find some where else to stay. The stress of a drunken newt is too much for us. We are simple people. We worked hard to have a simple life. We can't afford to have some one mess that up for us. When the drunken newt wakes, I have to make him search for the keys. Once we both get home we will be kicking him out. I feel bad but at the same time my sanity is worth more to me. The friendship with heal, and the drunken newt can cast his darkness on some else. 


What are your thoughts on this? Do you think we are doing the right thing?