Hey Dad,
I miss you. I think about you all the time. But you already know that so let me tell you what's new in my life. I think you will be very happy and proud of me when I tell you what I have been up to. I listened and kept looking for her. You know, my little sister, Courtney. Well, Um, I found her. No, I really found her. I know I thought I found her last year and it wasn't her... but this is the real deal dad. She even looks like you. Well, we both do, but I swear she is the spitting image of you. At first it made me sad, but then I was over joyed and overwhelmed. I have always loved her, but until now it was only the thought of her. I had no clue just how much love I would have for her. I know to take it slow and get to know her, but I am just so ready to meet her. But don't worry, I will take it slow. I do have a question though: is calling each other more than twice a day still taking it slow? Just wondering. You will be surprised to know (or maybe you won't) that Courtney and I have a lot in common. We both write (poetry, songs, essays, blogs, ect.), we both love english, we even hated the same class, Math lol. We sound alike. We also talk alike. I am so glad you brought us together. We can be a family again. I promise I won't let you down. Now that I found her, I will never let her go. I also found Aunt Penny and my cousins. I met Ashley yesterday. My goddess! She is gorgeous dad! And she looks exactly like Lori. Aunt Penny says I look like Aunt Carley. I'm waiting for her to accept my friend request before I agree or disagree lol. I am so happy. Just happy beyond measure. I can't wait to get to know my sister. I am so happy she wants to know me too. So far I have spoken to Courtney, her mom Shanna (only on facebook so far), Aunt Penny, and hung out with Ashley. I am hoping some day we can all get together for dinner. A family dinner Dad, like home cooked food and family at a table kind of dinner. It blows my mind just thinking about it. I wish you could be here Dad, just to see it. Every one still calls you Chucky when they are talking about you. This will probably be the most people have spoken about you in years Daddy. I can't wait to hear about all the stupid shit you did as a kid. Aunt Penny says she has many stories to tell me! I finally feel like I belong. I don't know how to explain it, it just feels like I found the missing pieces of the 1 million pieces jig-saw puzzle after working on it since I was old enough to comprehend. I am just sad it took me this long to find them. I searched for her for so long and she ( and the whole family) were right under my nose the whole time. Hell, Ashley and I even have a friend in common. My middle school friend Jamie. Goddess knows if we have been in the same room together at some point at some party. I would even bet that we have walked right past each other in Anoka and didn't even know it. To think if I had known what my aunts looked like, I might, just might, have found them sooner. Maybe had ran into them at the mall or in school ( I am told that I went to Anoka with at least one of my cousins.). And I know a couple of cousins went to Blaine where my husband went. In the last 15 years we had to have crossed paths at some point. It really blows my mind Daddy. I grew up living with in miles of each other. I told mom, ya know, about all this. She still can't let go of that anger towards your family Dad. It breaks my heart. It kills me to hear her be so upset over the past still. I mean, ya, I'm angry too, but I know my anger is out of the hurt and the pain of it all. I let it go. I just throw it away. I don't have time to be angry any more Dad. I barely have time to breathe these days. And I am quite sure that as I start meeting more of our family, I will always be busy. I don't want to waste another minute with out them in my life. I found those puzzle pieces and I love the picture it made Dad. I love the picture of our family. I feel stronger now. Like a lioness taking back her Pride. When I wrote to Courtney this last Thursday, June 28th, 2012, I had no clue if she was going to reply to me. My worst fear has always been that she would have no idea I existed. My worst fear was what I had felt was true for so long now, was my reality. No one told her. No one brought me up in front of her. What I don't understand is why any one let your beautiful, intelligent daughters walk out of their lives, losing touch. I will willing admit I stalk my family lol I don't want to lose them ever again. I have a thread on facebook just for family. So I don't miss a beat with them. Like that song by Areosmith,I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Where every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing
I really don't want to miss any thing any more. I feel like 25 years of missing shit is my cut off point. I want her home in Minnesota. Right now she is in Maryland ( but you already know that) and working out some things to get her life back on track. I'm really proud of her Dad. I am so impressed with how well she had done with the hell that was thrown at her. She's strong like me. We are a lot alike. Aunt Penny says we talk the same way too. It's amusing how much we are alike. We both went through similar shit, yet we were raised by completely different people, and some how we ended up almost twins of the other. We don't disagree about much (so far that is). We talked on the phone for 2 hours tonight. Dad, it was wonderful. Courtney is having to adjust to being the little sister. Ya know, she's always been the big sister, so this is weird for her. Where I have always been the big sister, so this is easy to me. Loving her is so natural, it's like breathing Dad. In the last 6 days, my life has done a complete 180 degree turn around. All that time I spent searching for Courtney, I forgot to think about how people have children, I forgot that I might have cousins. I was dumb founded when Courtney started naming off cousins. I had a very large blonde moment lol. I'm hoping to hang with Ashley soon again. I would like to get to know all of my cousins. I am happy that they are all right here too. I just have to get in my car and drive to where they are. It's pie Dad. Some day soon I will have a picture of Courtney and I together to send to you. Eventually I will have a picture with all of us cousins together. I will send you that one too. I think they will look great on my wall. I am hoping Aunt Penny will let me scan pics on my computer so I can print them up to put them on my wall. A real family portrait. That makes me giddy to be honest. My family on my mother's side has been scattered for as long as I can remember (we Atkins family are never in the same place). To think if I had followed through with staying out in California, I would have never had the chance to meet any of my family on your side. I'm really glad that you kept calling me back to Anoka Dad. I really am glad you have been there guiding me my whole life. Thanks Daddy, for being there when no one else would. I love you and I miss you so much. Merry Meet, and merry part until we merry meet again.
Blessed be,
Sabrina
