Hey Daddy, it's me Sabrina

Hey Dad,

 I miss you. I think about you all the time. But you already know that so let me tell you what's new in my life. I think you will be very happy and proud of me when I tell you what I have been up to. I listened and kept looking for her. You know, my little sister, Courtney. Well, Um, I found her. No, I really found her. I know I thought I found her last year and it wasn't her... but this is the real deal dad. She even looks like you. Well, we both do, but I swear she is the spitting image of you. At first it made me sad, but then I was over joyed and overwhelmed. I have always loved her, but until now it was only the thought of her. I had no clue just how much love I would have for her. I know to take it slow and get to know her, but I am just so ready to meet her. But don't worry, I will take it slow. I do have a question though: is calling each other more than twice a day still taking it slow? Just wondering. You will be surprised to know (or maybe you won't) that Courtney and I have a lot in common. We both write (poetry, songs, essays, blogs, ect.), we both love english, we even hated the same class, Math lol. We sound alike. We also talk alike. I am so glad you brought us together. We can be a family again. I promise I won't let you down. Now that I found her, I will never let her go. I also found Aunt Penny and my cousins. I met Ashley yesterday. My goddess! She is gorgeous dad! And she looks exactly like Lori. Aunt Penny says I look like Aunt Carley. I'm waiting for her to accept my friend request before I agree or disagree lol. I am so happy. Just happy beyond measure. I can't wait to get to know my sister. I am so happy she wants to know me too. So far I have spoken to Courtney, her mom Shanna (only on facebook so far), Aunt Penny, and hung out with Ashley. I am hoping some day we can all get together for dinner. A family dinner Dad, like home cooked food and family at a table kind of dinner. It blows my mind just thinking about it. I wish you could be here Dad, just to see it. Every one still calls you Chucky when they are talking about you. This will probably be the most people have spoken about you in years Daddy. I can't wait to hear about all the stupid shit you did as a kid. Aunt Penny says she has many stories to tell me! I finally feel like I belong. I don't know how to explain it, it just feels like I found the missing pieces of the 1 million pieces jig-saw puzzle after working on it since I was old enough to comprehend. I am just sad it took me this long to find them. I searched for her for so long and she ( and the whole family) were right under my nose the whole time. Hell, Ashley and I even have a friend in common. My middle school friend Jamie. Goddess knows if we have been in the same room together at some point at some party. I would even bet that we have walked right past each other in Anoka and didn't even know it. To think if I had known what my aunts looked like, I might, just might, have found them sooner. Maybe had ran into them at the mall or in school ( I am told that I went to Anoka with at least one of my cousins.). And I know a couple of cousins went to Blaine where my husband went. In the last 15 years we had to have crossed paths at some point. It really blows my mind Daddy. I grew up living with in miles of  each other. I told mom, ya know, about all this. She still can't let go of that anger towards your family Dad. It breaks my heart. It kills me to hear her be so upset over the past still. I mean, ya, I'm angry too, but I know my anger is out of the hurt and the pain of it all. I let it go. I just throw it away. I don't have time to be angry any more Dad. I barely have time to breathe these days. And I am quite sure that as I start meeting more of our family, I will always be busy. I don't want to waste another minute with out them in my life. I found those puzzle pieces and I love the picture it made Dad. I love the picture of our family. I feel stronger now. Like a lioness taking back her Pride.  When I wrote to Courtney this last Thursday, June 28th, 2012, I had no clue if she was going to reply to me. My worst fear has always been that she would have no idea I existed. My worst fear was what I had felt was true for so long now, was my reality. No one told her. No one brought me up in front of her.  What I don't understand is why any one let your beautiful, intelligent daughters walk out of their lives, losing touch. I will willing admit I stalk my family lol I don't want to lose them ever again. I have a thread on facebook just for family. So I don't miss a beat with them. Like that song by Areosmith,


I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Where every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing

I really don't want to miss any thing any more. I feel like 25 years of missing shit is my cut off point.  I want her home in Minnesota. Right now she is in Maryland ( but you already know that) and working out some things to get her life back on track. I'm really proud of her Dad. I am so impressed with how well she had done with the hell that was thrown at her. She's strong like me. We are a lot alike. Aunt Penny says we talk the same way too. It's amusing how much we are alike. We both went through similar shit, yet we were raised by completely different people, and some how we ended up almost twins of the other. We don't disagree about much (so far that is). We talked on the phone for 2 hours tonight. Dad, it was wonderful. Courtney is having to adjust to being the little sister. Ya know, she's always been the big sister, so this is weird for her. Where I have always been the big sister, so this is easy to me. Loving her is so natural, it's like breathing Dad. In the last 6 days, my life has done a complete 180 degree turn around. All that time I spent searching for Courtney, I forgot to think about how people have children, I forgot that I might have cousins. I was dumb founded when Courtney started naming off cousins. I had a very large blonde moment lol. I'm hoping to hang with Ashley soon again. I would like to get to know all of my cousins. I am happy that they are all right here too. I just have to get in my car and drive to where they are. It's pie Dad. Some day soon I will have a picture of Courtney and I together to send to you. Eventually I will have a picture with all of us cousins together. I will send you that one too. I think they will look great on my wall. I am hoping Aunt Penny will let me scan pics on my computer so I can print them up to put them on my wall. A real family portrait. That makes me giddy to be honest. My family on my mother's side has been scattered for as long as I can remember (we Atkins family are never in the same place). To think if I had followed through with staying out in California, I would have never had the chance to meet any of my family on your side. I'm really glad that you kept calling me back to Anoka Dad. I really am glad you have been there guiding me my whole life. Thanks Daddy, for being there when no one else would. I love you and I miss you so much. Merry Meet, and merry part until we merry meet again. 

Blessed be,

Sabrina

You can go hard or You can go home~ The Wife Chronicles

My husband and I just recently had our one year wedding anniversary. And they say the first year is the hardest. Pffffft. *Rolls eyes*


We have all said those words " Till the End" in some form or another. We have said them when we pledge our love to the one we would call our "Soul mate". We say them in our vows when we get married. To be a "good" wife, mother, and life partner " till the end ".  Now I am the kind of wife who takes her marriage seriously. I am the type of witch that "goes The Hardest Ever" for her man.


I take my "duties" as a wife to heart. I want to share with you some of my reasons. First of all I don't believe in divorce. Marriage is sacred. Sacred to the heart; the soul.

We crafted our "Jumping Broom" together. This is our  wedding. 

Last week my husband and I got into an argument and he used the D word. I was so shocked and angry that I just started to pack my things. I had for force my self to slow down and take in what had just really happened. I had to remind my self that words are just words, so until I see papers, I won't believe what he says is truth.


 Before my husband and I decided to "jump over the broom", I laid down the "laws and rules of the game" just to let him know what he was in for before we took that fateful jump. 


1. Divorce is not for me. I can not, will not, sign papers ever. I will not move out of my own home cause you need "space". I pay the bills here as much as you do. We will work it out until one of us croaks if that is what it comes down to. I married you cause I love you, not because of any other reason. Love got us here, Love can get us out. 


2. I have friends. I need time with them to unwind and blow off steam. Under no circumstances are you to ever tell me I can't hang with my girls. Unless you want me to turn in to Super Witch, you better hand me my phone and the keys. 
2 b. Can not keep others of the opposite sex for friends. There are special circumstances for both of us, I assure you this. This was our biggest fight and struggle for so long. My husband and I are very jealous people. And selfish as well. My husband believed that every man wanted to get in my pants (not kidding), even though I had debunked this many times, it just wouldn't go away. Finally, I just said I will no long have male friends as long as he didn't keep female friends. It was hard, but now I have a huge circle of female friends that are supportive and there when I need a woman's opinions. If we hadn't done that, I would have never stepped out of my safety zone to make friends. My husband on the other hand is incapable of making friends with men..... so he doesn't have friends, except one. That is fine by me, and he doesn't seem to care either way. 


3. Don't lie to me, ever, about any thing. Just tell me the truth. Lies hurt every one, not just the person getting lied to. 


4. Love me and accept me for I am and will become. I am always changing, bettering my self, and evolving from who I used to be. But there will always be things about me that never change and those are the things I need you to love me for. 


There isn't many laws as you can see. We have rules, and we try to stick to them to make this marriage a happy commitment to be apart of. 


It is never easy to be married when you are from my generation. My generation is the generation of causal relationships. We have to work extra hard to not get bored and run off with some one new. I am one that believes that real love can pay the bills, my husband not so much. We work hard at this every single day, and trust me, some days are harder than others. We fight, and we argue. We have heated debates just like any other couple. We always work it out though. That is real strength there. You can't name call or place blame, and that is a lot harder than one would think. You have to know when to pick your battles. You also have to know how to just let it go. Some things will never be resolved. Example: His mother always has her nose up in our financial business. My argument is " I married you, not your mother. It is not her place to dictate to us in our marriage."  I don't usually talk to my own mother about my husband's and I 's personal woes. I just don't like to. I really feel that as a free thinking adult, I don't need a mother's approval for any thing. It is my life, my marriage, and my money, not  my mother's. His argument is "She always helps us out. IF it wasn't for her, we wouldn't be where we are now." Both arguments are valid here. She does help us out more than I care for her to. I have pride and that is damaging to it. She has saved our butts more times than I can count. I can see where he is coming from. This is one argument that I will never win. You can not compete with a man's mother. If he is a momma's boy, he will tell her every thing. Always. I only have one person I tell every thing to and that would be my best friend. Telling my mom every thing  is just some thing I don't do. I tell her all the important stuff and that is the end of it. I am slowly learning to pick my battles but I am getting there. Day by day I get a little wiser. 


By now I am sure you are wondering with all this work, if there was any play. We have fun, especially when we have been working so hard at it. We try to treat each other with dinners or gifts the other enjoys. My husband loves to game. I make it point to get him gaming gear or new games. My husband knows I love wine and food. He brings me home my favorite wine and chocolate when possible. We hang out with other couples and go out when money permits us to. We mostly watch movies or shows, and stay at home. And strangely I am okay with that. When I get the itch to go out, I call my girls. We have a strange dynamic to our relationship, we are complete opposites, yet we work so well. Love is strange, but Marriage is the real adventure. 


I will do any thing for my husband, till the day I take my last breath. I can only hope he will do the same for me. We aren't going through with the divorce obviously. Marriage is hard, and some times you just have to lay it all out on the table to get your point across. In no way am I saying to threaten divorce when you feel like you need to win the argument, but if the other person is treating you terribly, then maybe you need to let them know your worth. 


Blessed by my friends, until we merry meet again. 
Sabrina

How RUDE!

Being a mother, a sister, an auntie, and a good friend, I am around children on a daily basis. I am also a PCA for my mother in-law. That means I work with teenage boys. Loud, obnoxious, gross, annoying, rude teenage boys. 


I don't mind them normally, but there are some things I just can't ignore. Big D insists on spitting and hollering out my car windows after I have asked him several times not to in the last year. I am getting to my breaking point with him. He tells me what to do in my car! I'm sorry kid, but you don't pay for this vehicle, I do. So it is not your place to tell me to turn my radio down just so you can draw in my back seat. Don't complain about my music,especially if I still have to hear yours THROUGH  your headphones. Stop asking me to give your friends rides home from school where I pick you up every day, it is not in my job description to taxi your friends around. Don't ask me to stop at stores for you either. Don't be hollering at chicks (or dudes for that matter) out my car windows. Don't hock your lougies out my car window as well. These are all rude things they do on a daily basis. Yes I have told my mother in-law, who is also my boss, that they do these things, and no, nothing changes. I could get a new job, but not one that pays this well.  I remember when kids actually respected their parents and siblings. Oh yeah, I'm that old. I just don't understand how they can be so rude to me when I am just doing my job.  My summer is going to be spent shleppin around 2 to 3 kids every day, for 12 to 13 hours a day. I'm not so sure how this summer is going to go. I would like to do some magick to keep them from being so rude, but will it interfere with free will?  There is tell the truth spells and spells to speed things up as well, but I don't want to assume they don't interfere with free will. What would you do if you had to put up with what I do?