Voiceless on Yule

Recently I have come down with strep, and now a cough to accompany it. I have since lost my voice completely. I haven't been this sick in almost a year. I am sure it is a plethora of many factors that have got me to this exact point. Stress is always a huge factor. When I get stressed out with no way to let it out, I tend to get sick. Not just a cough or a sniffle, but full blown can't get out of bed, couldn't sleep, too much coughing, can't breathe kind of sick. Yes, I drink lots of tea and water. I am taking about ten different vitamins a day. So how am I so sick? 
Being a naturalist it is hard for me to go to the doctor, and even if I absolutely have to, I have to wait until I get paid or my husband does. In that time that I have to wait, I get significantly sicker. With asthma, my immune system is already weak no matter how many vitamins I take. All it takes is one person to sneeze, cough, and/or sniffle around me and I get sick. Let's go back to the stress of the matter. I get stressed very easily due to my ginormous heart (not enlarged mind you, just generous). My mother always said that I kill my self to help others. She's right. I worry about every one else before my self. Don't know why, I just have always been this way. I go out of my way to help the people closest to me when ever they need me. Today I should have been resting but my younger brother told me last night that he hasn't had any food in his house for weeks. I quickly made him dinner and demanded him to look up the closest food shelf opening times. I promptly got out of bed today, took my vitamins, drank a whole bottle of water with my antibiotics, and took him to the food shelf. I stopped at my in laws to drop off their computer that our friend fixed for them. My mother in law first scolded me for being out of bed and then gave me a winning scratch off for twenty dollars for my brother. I was filled with emotion that I just can't really describe to you. My little brother was almost in tears. He was blown away by her generosity. I felt a great pride for my mother in law. I took my brother to the food shelf and then to the grocery store to get him meat. He kept thanking me over and over again. I was just relieved he wasn't going to starve on my watch. He also kept scolding me for being out of bed when I should be resting. I didn't care. I just wanted him to have food in his house so he wouldn't starve. All I could think about was making sure I did the right thing for my family. That is what drives my husband nuts. He wishes I would take care of my self first. I just can't do that. It just isn't who I am. So I guess I will always get sick cause I just can't stop my self from doing what is right. My family is more important to me than the sun is. With out them I would have nothing to keep safe. Nothing to hold dear. Nothing to live for. I will continue to "kill my self" for my family every day until I take my last breath. Nothing will change that. When I am done at the end of the day, I focus on me. I have been resting at home since I dropped my brother off at his place. I am trying to get better. I will be staying home tomorrow. I actually have a girlfriend coming over to make me soup and cookies. She plans to chase my sickness away with love and food.

I think I am one of the most blessed women in the whole world. This Yule I am most thankful for the people who support me no matter how crazy I get. I may not have my voice today, but my heart has certainly been heard. 


Blessed be,
 Sabrina

The Sobriety Clause

                       

 With Yule only ten days away (Christmas 13 days away) life can get pretty hectic and stressful. Many partake in holiday parties, from the office to the neighbors'. This is the time of year that indulgence can go too far. Knowing your limit is tough in times of distress. As a ex alcoholic I may know a few things about this sort of demon. Many of my family who will read this do not know of my struggles with sobriety. The holidays are just harder for me. With my father dying 3 days before Christmas, my son not living with me, and my mother ignoring she has a daughter that needs her the most at this time of year, and a younger brother that has no idea what family really means, things can get a bit unbearable.

My star in the tree says Believe, cause all you have to do
is believe in yourself to accomplish any thing your
heart desires.

          I find my self battling depression, withdrawing from friends and activities I once enjoyed. I used to turn to a bottle and often times self destructive behaviors. It started when I was really young, about 13 years old.  I always made friends much older than me. I just didn't get along with the immature girls in my grade. I made friends that were in high school when I was in middle school. I had one friend who I shall call Luna. Luna was 15 when I was 12 . She had lots of guy friends and knew all about the world of sex. Luna was rail thin with big boobs and a infectious laugh. She always knew what to say when a confusing road block occurred. She was mature and beautiful. I hoped to learn from her about womanly wiles. I spent many a nights with her. Drinking and partying with boys. We stayed up late and smoked the green, giggling into the early morning hours. 

     I don't remember my first drink to say the least but I do remember my first bottle. It was Wisconsin Everclear. As any Minnesotan knows, that is 200 proof liquor. I took my first swig and just about died coughing on the burning acid. We drank about half that bottle in no time at all. Before I knew it we were smashed. At least I didn't puke, although it would have been a great idea at the time. My blood could have killed you I am sure. After that I would go just about every weekend to her place and drink it up. Just get schwasted all weekend long. One night Luna had a different idea she wanted to share with me. She wanted to smoke with me. 

        

                                    

      I remember the first time Luna pulled out the green. It was at least an ounce or more. She spread it out on a tray and began to pick out the "beaners". I was horrified and scared. I had never smoked green, I had only smoked cigarettes at this point. Luna knowing I was nervous said the only thing that would change my mind even though it was a lie, "I asked your mom and she said as long as you stay here, don't go any where, she has no problem with it." (I was young, stupid and desperate to be closer to my father. According to my mother, since I clearly can't ask him my self, my very own father was a pot head. Smoked it on the regular.) That was all I had needed to hear from Luna to coerce  me to hit the pipe with her. She showed me once and my path began to go up in smoke. I was happier than I had been in years. I didn't care that my family was a horror story any more. It was if the huge cinder block had been lifted off my chest. This was nothing like drinking!! I was in Summerland to say the least. 

      Middle school ended and I was thrust-ed in to the bowels of hell called high school. I had stopped the destructive behaviors for some time at this point. Eight grade turned out to be a breeze and Luna had moved on from me. Things were going well until I met The Bet. That is what I shall call him for this blog's purpose. The Bet was a guy I had met on the bus to the other campus for school. He was super cute and funny. He was having a conversation with his buddy when my ears picked out the word weed, my body began to tingle and I just had to talk to him. We became fast friends over some thing so green. I also knew his girlfriend.... lets call her sore loser..... I became very close to the both of them. Each telling me their infidelities on the other. Sore Loser and I would spend the night at each other's houses. She was fascinated by my Wiccan religion. She borrowed my books and highlighted her favorite spells. She was a gymnast so you can guess why she was chased by boys and constantly cheating on The Bet. She got butthurt one day about how cocky I was. She made a bet with me that I couldn't get any guy I wanted in the whole school. I told her she was on. I proceeded to unveil her lies to The Bet. Hey, all is fair in love and war right? Once he had confirmed what I had told him, he set his sights on me. We started dating immediately. I had won the bet Sore Loser had made with me. The Bet and I started smoking every day together. The Bet had set me on a course for what the next two years was going to be like. 

        My junior year I went sober. I still drank but I quit smoking the green. I didn't do it for me though. I did it for my boyfriend, my now husband. He asked to quit with him and had me smash my bowl. I quit for almost the whole school year. I drank quite a bit back then for a minor. Spring break came and I went hog wild. My mom didn't care as long as I drank at home where she could intervene if ever something went wrong. I had a week long party just being wasted off my ass. It was after spring break that I started smoking again. By then I was seeing my son's father. He made me quit when I got pregnant. I didn't do shit when I was pregnant with my son. I did that for me and my son. No one else. 

         After my son was born I smoked for all of a week. Just couldn't do it. I began to party with a new crowd after my senior year of high school. Went out every weekend to drink until I couldn't see straight. Many who know me know that I started smoking again with this crowd. This went on for about 2 more years. Then I met a new demon after my son's father took custody. Cocaine. I wasn't much for snorting but I loved to smoke it. That only lasted about two months. In those two months I smoked my self stupid and drank way too much. I lost who I was. I had forgotten about my self. 

     My husband came back in to the picture and helped me get sober. I may drink still but not more than a couple of glasses of wine in a week. I didn't drink for so long that I just can't handle liquor the way I used to. I can barely swallow it now. I don't like the way it makes my stomach knot up, the heartburn unbearable, and my head hurt. Getting sober was the best thing I have ever done for myself. Once in while is good for me. I can handle that. I don't self destruct any more. I don't participate in bad behaviors. I am still human just like you. I have a clear mind when I have only a couple of drinks. I can now go to a bar and not get shit faced like I used to. I can have a girls night and not spend hours fighting to stand. I found who I really was. I like her. I like who I am now. I have always liked my sober self. I wanted to share this with all of you so that you could see that getting self control is the best thing you can do for yourself. I did it for me and my son. I did it for my sanity.

 I still have my opinions though. I still think that marijuana should be legal and that we should tax the hell out of it. Alcohol was my biggest problem. Alcohol was what led me to do stupid shit. I never did any thing stupid when I was high, I did all my worst shit when I was drunk. I made all my bad choices drunk. Any one who knows me knows that I wasn't a bad person back then, just some one who really needed to find who she really was. Even though I took the hard path, I learned more in my short years than I learned in school. I found the Sobriety Clause. Every thing is good in moderation. Too much of any thing can cause one one to fall off the proverbial horse. 

The holidays are still hard but now that I have a check and balance system to put my self through, I can get through anything. With the friends I have made, they make it easier for me to stay on track with my life. Thank you to all of you for being there for me. And to you, my reader, Thank you for reading. I can only hope that you take what you need from here and use it for yourself. Happy holidays every one!!!

And Remember buzzed driving is drunk driving. Get a ride home if you have been drinking. Lots of bars now provide a ride home. Call your local bars and clubs for details. 

Blessed be and Goddess light.

Sabrina

The Drunken Newt

In the last week we have let a buddy stay at our place to keep him out of the cold.  Regret set in pretty quickly when the drunken newt drank my husband's last beer, stole cigarettes that didn't belong to him, and lost the house keys. I knew this drunken newt had a drinking problem, but I had no idea it was this bad. He invited us out Saturday night to come out, and have a couple drinks with him. He was so trashed before we even got there. He had already downed a 24 pack before he got to the bar. I was floored to see him so trashed. We got every one back to our place just so the drunken newt wouldn't get any more wasted than he already was. Mutual friends of our's were going to go to another bar in St. Paul. My husband and I both agreed that wasn't the best idea for the drunken newt. So we convinced them to come hang out at our place. Every thing was ok until the drunken newt kept trying to leave, as he was seven sheets to the wind, he would have gotten arrested for public drunkenness. We pleaded, and tried to make him stay. He was determined to leave. So I gave up and handed him the house keys, and said to him " I can't make you stay, you are a grown ass man, but if you get arrested we are not bailing your ass out of jail. We simply can't afford it." He kept getting up, and walking to the door, but didn't leave. In that time frame he some how lost the house keys!!!! My husband is livid at this point. I am doing my best to keep every one calm. Being the person I am I convince him to sit down, and chill. We would look for the keys in the morning. My husband took our friends home. It was right after they left that the drunken newt decided to have a drunken hate spell..... He wanted to kill himself (good goddess, help me now). I was at a loss for words for only a second until my Leo anger hit me full force. I began to get in his face, and tell him to shut his mouth. At this point my eyes were burning with tears, and started to shake him. I was livid he would ever say something so stupid. I got him to calm down. My anger shut his ass up. My husband returned home, and proceeded to help me tell the drunken newt that he needed some sleep. We would deal with it more in the morning. 
    Morning came, and well..... This is how it all went down. We turned the house upside down looking for the keys, cleaned up any mess from the night before, and the drunken newt left to pick up his car from our mutual friends house. He left after downing a beer, and taking two with him. He came back two hours later drunk, high, and pissed off. He had crashed his car!!!!! At this point my husband and I had no clue what to really think about our drunken newt besides the obvious points. The drunken newt then passed out on our living room floor snoring to his heart's content. We just couldn't understand how some one could just keep drowning themselves in liquor so contently, and blame the world for his problems. Being of logical and sound mind, my husband and I decided to not to help him fix the tire. We didn't want the drunken newt to leave drunk off his little newt ass. The rest of the night went ok until this morning. 
I woke up to take my husband to work as usual to find the plasma screen still on! Every one knows that plasma screens can't be left on for hours at a time, it will melt the insides! My husband's first words this morning was "I am going to kick him in the teeth!" What a wonderful way to start my morning. My husband and I discussed our drunken newt on the way to work. We have come to the conclusion that we have to make him find some where else to stay. The stress of a drunken newt is too much for us. We are simple people. We worked hard to have a simple life. We can't afford to have some one mess that up for us. When the drunken newt wakes, I have to make him search for the keys. Once we both get home we will be kicking him out. I feel bad but at the same time my sanity is worth more to me. The friendship with heal, and the drunken newt can cast his darkness on some else. 


What are your thoughts on this? Do you think we are doing the right thing? 

Protection magick is as easy as pie!

Today is Thanksgiving and we all want all family and friends to be safe. Us kitchen witches know a thing or two when it come to herbal magicks.  Once again I am going to touch on the herb sage. It is a nifty little herb with a big punch of power. Sage is one of the biggest herbs used in protection magicks all over the world. It is so easy as well. For those of us that need to cast a circle, go ahead and do so, for others that the hearth is their circle this is where you can start. I begin with whatever it is I am cooking. I envision the pot (or pan) filling with a pure white light, asking the Goddess ( or whoever you chose to ask for help) to guide me, and bless me with her love. I then continue to add my ground up sage to the pot or pan of food. You will only need just a pinch. More if you really like the taste of sage. Thank your deity and say your closing. I like "As I wish, so mote it be." If you used a circle don't forget to take it down properly, center and ground your self. See how easy that was? Being a witch can be so easy and so fun. I use this magick every time I cook for my family. It might be out of paranoia, but at least I know they are protected. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving surrounded by family and friends! Blessed be!

My God is better than yours.

******DISCLAIMER****** IN NO WAY IS THIS MEANT TO OFFEND ANY ONE. THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. MY OPINIONS TO SAY THE LEAST. 
I know I have been neglectful these last two months but I have had many changes in this time. My husband got a new job and I have to get up at 3am every day Mon-Friday to drop him off at the in-laws' to catch a ride to work with his father. I as well took over his PCA job and I am now full time. I work almost every day now unless my father in-law does not. I find myself wishing for more time in a day all the time. But I do have a rant I wish discuss with you my readers. Family is the subject. 
I find it very interesting that my grandparents just adored me as a child but now that I am a self thinking adult they want nothing to do with me. I have a theory about it as well. As a child I WAS a devout christian, jesus loves me crap all day long, sung in the church choir, baptized and everything, even went to sunday school. Thus my grandmother adored me. Thought I was the golden child. Then I became a teenager, and realized what a crock of shit the bible was and chose a better path in life as a Wiccan/Pagan. Thus I was no longer her golden child. Because I chose an earth worshiping religion, I was no longer allowed to be part of the family. How is that fair when it was my mother who pointed me away from christianity? How is it they can preach love and harmony when they shun their very own granddaughter? I find this entertaining to say the least. Many of my other family members love me for who I am, and even love that I am not a bible thumping christian ways. In no way, shape, or form do I shove my religion down their throats as most christians do with their lie filled bible.  I miss my sense of family the most these days. Being married has shown me just what I have been missing since that fateful day I told my grandmother in person just what I thought of her shoving christianity down my throat. In no way do I regret the choice I made. I am more upset with my grandmother for not being a proper christian and loving me no matter what. It breaks my heart that I have to raise my child(ren) in this dark and repressed nation. It saddens me to think about what she is missing out on in my life cause of her disregard of her instilled values and beliefs. I know for a fact that she was not raised that way. My Great grandmother Lucy was an amazing woman who brought love and light in to any room when she entered. I love her so much even in death that I have decided to name my first daughter Lucy. Husband hates it, but I told him to shove it. She was an icon in our family, the beacon of hope for this hate filled world. There are days I wonder what it would be like to speak to her as an adult with jaded eyes. Children are so innocent, whereas an adult is not blind to the injustice in this world. I do know one thing she would tell me; she would tell me that she never raised my grandmother to be such a bigot.  She would tell that she loves me for who I am, religion and sexuality and all. I am disappointed in my grandparents to say the least.  I have learned from this that I will raise my child(ren) to love every one no matter race, creed, sexuality, religion, living situation, and past. I will be a better grandmother than mine ever was. I can say she has prepped me for what I shouldn't do as a grandmother. This is assuming I have grandchildren of course. Nothing is for certain as we all know.
 Blessed be my friends. Let the love and light in. 
Sabrina Shear

New Space? Just add a lil Sage to the place :)

The lazy Mississippi River. 

My husband and I just moved  and boy do I feel over whelmed! I got about 98% of the place unpacked and almost every thing has a home. I am just struggling with the last bit of the to-do-list. I want to get it ready for purifying the space with my sage stick. I love to cast my circle and push it out past my walls mentally for cleansing my space ( My whole house is my sacred space ). I light my sage stick and walk the walls of my house (the best I can) and push my energy outward sealing it.  I am hoping to get my ritual done this weekend. I just have to pull myself out of my lazy haze. Moving really drains a person and sleeping in a new place takes a while to get used to. It doesn't help my husband has a habit of stealing my covers and pillows : / . Now if I could just get the husband up I could start this weekend. Saturdays at our house are the laziest days of all. The husband will stay up all night and then pass out after 4am just to sleep in all day. *Pokes the angry bear with the  staff* "Get up you lazy bear! I have lots to do today!!"  **** The picture is from the dam by my new house except I took this picture last summer at 5 am lol 

Which Witch do I use?

    Being a PCA for my mother in-law I get to spend quite a bit of time with my 17 year old brother in-law. This means I help him with every thing from homework to girl problems. Today's homework was an English paper on phobias. This is also the point where my anger and frustrations begin to boil, but not because of him but because of our schools.

    He is 17 years old and doesn't even know proper English! I don't want to chalk it up to laziness cause these are mistakes that even a lazy kid doesn't make. He would start almost every sentence with the words: So, And, & because. I was at a loss for words I was so shocked. There was also the use of the word witch for the word which. I don't want to sound like a spelling and grammar Nazi but I know 12 year olds that don't write like that. How do you not know Where from were and we're? My teachers in high school and middle school were constantly reminding us to remember our commonly misspelled words. Also his use of run on sentences really drove me nuts. Instead of starting a new sentence he would just use the word "and".  I spent 4 hours explaining to him how to write a proper paper today. Every thing from intros to conclusions.



     What I am trying to understand is how this got under the radar of his English teachers all these years. How does a child not know how to write a proper paper or use proper grammar? I know he is special needs ( ADHD, anxiety and fetal alcohol syndrome) but these are not excuses to not teach him. I have ADHD and can write a decent paper on any subject I have enough knowledge on. I have a learning disability as well. I didn't have help in school for every test I took and a para following me to every class like he does and I still managed to get A's and B's in school. 


     Are teachers getting lazy? Do teachers just not care any more? What is to become of our education system? These are questions that are racing through my mind tonight. My teachers were vigilant on their grammar crusades. Nothing missed my teacher's criticism. Their red pens bloodied my papers until I learned to use conjunctions and adjectives in a proper manner. I felt terrible when I bloodied his paper in the same manner earlier today and wondered if my teachers felt the same or if they just pitied me. Did it make them proud to see me improve over the year? Are students like me what makes them want to keep teaching? I know every time a teacher used my work to make a good example of what to do, it made my heart swell with such pride. I knew my pride would make my head big but I just didn't care at that point. English was my best subject and I still cling to it to find happy places for my head to rest. 


        I want to leave you with this question tonight: What would you do if you discovered your child was still writing run on sentences as a junior in high school? Tell me in the comments or ask me questions as well. Blessed be my friends. 

Here goes the new blog....

After only being married for 5 months, I am no wiser than I was when I said "I do". I have no advice if you are looking for some. You may bestow upon me all the words of wisdom you have for a young couple. I will soak and revel in your thoughts so carefully worded in to complete sentences. I promise no magick for you, 'cept maybe a spell or two. I will share what I have learned and my experiences that are so deep in emotion you may laugh and cry with me. I have many questions that you, my readers, will be able to answer for me or share some light. I hope to dispel my stress, worries, joy, love and vague memories that bog down my heart. Here I will share my adventures in marriage and life. I won't only talk about marriage I promise this! I will post my girly exploits, mommy candid moments, Big sister rants and my joys of being an aunt and godmother to the most amazing, sweet children I have had the pleasure to be in their lives. I will always answer questions about my religion. I am no priestess but I have many moons to back me up. Being Wiccan is incredibly important to me. It defines me as a woman, mother, wife, sister and an aunt. I hold the value and morals taught to me at face value. Now to get back to stirring the cauldron :) Blessed be my friends!