Recently this year, I got divorced. I was lost. Though I had purpose, helping those who needed it most, I felt empty, unfeeling, even cold hearted. I did not feel whole. I never really had. My Marriage had left me angry, bitter, and a true cynic. There are times when my smile was entirely fake. I forced myself to react most days. It was if my heart was a cold , pitted stone.
Slowly, things started to change. I got a new job, working with older clients. I loved it. Finally, things were getting clearer. Life wasn't foggy any more. I had something to look forward to. Work made me happy. So what did I do? Naturally, I threw myself into my work.
If I wasn't working, I was netflixing it with the cats, in my bed, with a bottle of wine, aimlessly scrolling through my okcupid app on my phone or I was taking care of my sexual needs with various men/ women. For months, this was my routine. I hung out with friends every chance I had. Staying up late into the night just talking and drinking wine or watching movies with these friends. I did my best to stay too busy to think about just how lonely I was.
I had convinced my self that I didn't need a partner, a soulmate if you will. I was so close to believing it wholeheartedly too. I started dating this guy.... I almost instantly fell for him too. Bad idea if you ask my logic self, but you try talking a heart out of wanting what it wants, and get back to me on that. Not so easy is it?
I keep trying to talk my heart out of this, but nothing works. I tried to convince my heart that this isn't what we need right now, but she couldn't hear me. She agrees with my body, and wants him just as much. I feel this rage bubble from within. It does nothing to quiet any of this noise in my head. Why can't I ever get them to agree? Why does my logic, my heart, my soul, and my body never agree at the same time? Why can't they all just shut the fuck up?
In no way I am ready to give up on what makes me happy. I want Hawaii. I want a villa on the beach. I want a new job in paradise. I want ocean fishing and learning to surf. I want to be married and have a baby. I want the life all little girls dream about. The wonderful husband, great kids, with a beautiful house, reliable cars, and amazing careers. My closest friends all live out of state now.
For months I have allowed myself to entertain this notion of dating Dude. We obviously broke up due to severe differences in how the both of us approach life. I'm way too ambitious for him. I want things out of life. Good things. Exciting things. Can't have that with a guy who has 3 kids and 3 baby mommas. Can't go on any adventures when he doesn't work, and refuses to even try to get a job. Can't have that when he didn't accept what is. I'm poly, and he felt if I agreed to be his girlfriend, that he's the only male I should be sleeping with.
That's not how poly works. Don't tell me you love me only to try to make me change. He never loved me for who I am. That's what stings. He saw what he wanted me to be. Sorry man, but I simply can't be monogamous. It's not for me.
Now that I have learned this important lesson, I find that I really look forward to the day that I will be loved for who I am and not what someone wants me to be. My wife said the most beautiful sentence to me after all this occured:
Don't settle period. You are made of stars and moonlight, any person who doesn't act like they literally caught creation in their hands, doesn't deserve you.
Well said love. Well said.
